When Grownups Say Bad Stuff

I think I said something profound after swearing at a fellow motorist yesterday.

It seems like it's the same thing at every four-way stop in America: most other drivers don't know what to do (or, equally likely,  don't care). We were coming home from school like we do every day, and a black SUV proceeded through the intersection when I clearly had the right of way. The split second before the SUV started plowing through, I had stepped on the gas too and was already in the intersection when Ms. Important decided it was okay to proceed.

I reacted like anyone else would--by yelling "a--hole!"

After the SUV actually backed up and we were through the intersection, a little voice behind me asked, "Mom, what does that word mean?"

Oops.

The rest of the conversation went like this:

Me: "Um...it's a bad word."
Bug: "I know."
Me: "I shouldn't have said that. Sometimes grownups say bad words when they get scared and angry."
Bug: "Why would you say bad words when you're scared and angry?"
Me: "Well, honey, when people get scared and angry, their brains have a hard time making good decisions. And sometimes they say or do things they shouldn't."

Then I thought to myself, wow, Prickly Mom, I think you might be on to something profound with that statement there. I'm in a near-constant state of fear and/or anger (which probably explains my high blood pressure, exhaustion, migraines, and a host of other stuff...but I digress).

Let's chew on that one a while. It sounds like a piece of wisdom that might apply in many situations...for all of us.

Mommy & Me Anger Management

I wish I could let you all crawl inside my head and watch as I replay a scene from this afternoon.

As you may know, my little Pie (almost four) and I have been struggling with anger issues--separately and together. I've been poring over mom blogs and parenting books for the past couple weeks, trying to come up with a plan of action. In the meantime, we haven't exactly been helping each other keep our tempers in check.

I was lying on my bed trying to lose myself in a novel when Pie came in to ask me to read one of his truck-themed board books. I didn't want to, but I did...and somehow he ended up sitting in my lap as I stroked his grubby little palm with my thumb. I kissed the top of his head and asked, "doesn't that feel good? Doesn't that make you feel nice and calm? I like when someone does that to my hand."

A tiny little light bulb went off in my head then. "You know what, Pie? How about when I start yelling, you grab my hand and stroke my palm to try to calm me down. Wanna practice?" He smiled as I started pretend-yelling, then he picked up my hand and ran his little fingers over my palm. My "tirade" turned into an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Oh, I feel so much better, Pie! You really helped me calm down!"

Then we reversed roles. Pie feigned a tantrum, and then pretended to melt into contentment when I stroked his palm. We took a few more turns until he decided to go outside to play with Daddy.

I guess that's the way you're supposed to do this parenting thing: role play whenever you find an innocuous moment and then hope the information sticks. Just keep trying until something works.

In the meantime, I'm going to share some of the information I've found that I think might be useful in our anger-management quest. There's some good stuff here.

• Social-Emotional Skills for Preschoolers: Regulating Emotions
• Positive Ways to Bypass the Grumps
• Printable Anger Management Charts
• Crazy 8: Top Eight Ways to Help Kids Deal with Feelings

(Actually, I could go on and on...go take a look at my Pinterest board on discipline for many more down-to-earth ideas.)

Help for Yelling Moms

[BTW--this is NOT a sponsored post!]

I swear, I have probably Googled "how to stop yelling at your kids" at least 20 times since "stop yelling at kids" debuted on my New Year's Resolutions list back in 2012.

So how is it that it's taken me over a year to stumble upon The Orange Rhino? It chronicles the life of a mom of four boys who challenged herself to go for 365 days without yelling--and she actually achieved her goal earlier this week.

Readers of my blog who have been keeping tabs on my struggles know that even though I'm still stumbling, I've made huge strides this past year toward my yelling-less goal:

• I've identified some of my hot buttons (when my little guy asks for his third scrambled egg, what I hear is, "get up right now and serve me! You're needs are not important!" which makes me yell, the subtext of said yelling being, "YES I AM IMPORTANT!")
• I've accepted that I'm a Highly Sensitive Person and/or have some sort of auditory sensory processing overload issue that can send me into a nasty fight-or-flight tailspin if, say, the TV is blaring, somebody is playing Angry Birds at full volume, both boys are whining, and my husband asks me an innocent question all at the same time
• I've chosen to stop beating myself up for being an introvert (I mean, would anyone berate herself for being an extrovert, or anything else that makes you you?) and finding ways to accommodate my needs.

But back to this Orange Rhino Challenge. I started small (one day without yelling), but I started. The first day, I yelled twice, but caught myself and stopped. Yesterday was about the same...but the important thing is that I stopped myself. What I like about this challenge is that you can enlist your kids' help (they can hold up little stop signs when they sense your temperature is about to rise, or you can ask them to give you a daily grade or evaluation), or train yourself to remember your goal whenever you see something orange (I made a big ol' batch of orange play dough yesterday, and also forced myself to re-focus when I pulled a pair of orange undies out of Pie's dresser drawer).

As someone who likes to laugh a lot (I yell hard, but I do laugh hard, too), I recommend starting with this list of 100 Alternatives to Yelling, which I will print and hang on the fridge today. There are a lot of ideas that make me smile, and you can's smile and yell at the same time, right?

(P.S. I just thought of one more alternative to yelling that I've used in the past...when I feel like I'm about to blow, I sing the theme song from "The Match Game." Yes, even I'm a little to young to remember "The Match Game," but you'll know the song when you hear it. It's so damn annoying you have to laugh at yourself.)

The Power of 100

This all just came together so beautifully. The other day I was cooking dinner, and Pie was whining and demanding I do something right now. "How much I count to?" he asked after I told him I'd help him in five minutes. "Oh, about 100," I replied in exasperation, just wanting to get some food on the table before one of us had a meltdown.

As he started counting into the high 20s, I realized he probably wouldn't remember what came after 29, so I started to count with him: "30...31...32...33...34..." until we made it all the way to 100. And I realized, I was calmer. Calmer because of the joy I felt in seeing my little guy exercising his giant brain (as Daddy likes to say), and calmer because I had successfully shifted my focus to something other than my frazzled nerves.

I've been trying for years to figure out ways to diffuse my ragged emotions in the split second between "last straw" and "screaming banshee." It usually happens so fast, and the standard calming technique of counting to 10 just always seemed to stupid and hokey to make me actually try it more than once. But that's the thing: I guess for my temper, 10 might not be enough to work. My wits might be so far gone that I, personally, need to go all the way to 100.

You know what? Even though it might make me sound like a complete nutcase, I don't care. I found a strategy that kept me from yelling, was educational for my son, and brought us closer together. Score!

(Read more about my ongoing struggle with anger management here: Getting Advice from the Airlines.) 

I Hate New Year's Resolutions

Since the boys have been out of state with their grandparents for the last few days, I've had the chance to take a breath and figure out how to be a better mother this year (read: calm down and stop yelling so much). Like the rest of society, I hate making--and breaking--New Year's resolutions, but I feel like I have to try. So here are my top three parenting-related goals for 2012:

• Enforce nap/rest time (for all of us!)
• Start having the boys sit in the corner (I hate the term "time-out")
• Bite the bullet and stop responding to whining ("I'll listen to you when you speak nicely")

I have about 12 more things written down, but we can tackle those later.