Sunday, November 4, 2012

On Being the Grown-Up

I've been with my current therapist a pretty long time. I don't know the exact length off the top of my head (and I'm not going all the way down to the kitchen to get my therapy notebook out of my purse to check), but it's probably been close to two years.

And we're just now, finally, starting to get somewhere.

I've learned a lot from this therapist, which is why I've stuck it out this long. We've come to dumb, everyday realizations like always offer your husband a sauce with his dinner if he likes sauce so much…even with dishes that aren't supposed to have sauce and it's not realistic to expect a two-year-old to sit quietly on a train, so it's better for your stress level to adjust your expectations. And we've come to core-shaking realizations, like this one:

I don't want to be the grown-up. I want my preschoolers to be more sensitive to my needs. 

But recognizing and admitting these feelings is supposedly a big step.

You see, said my therapist, a parent will usually reflect on his or her childhood and think, "I had grown-ups around me who met my needs. I felt safe and validated. Now it's my job to recreate that environment for my children so they can grow up to be well-adjusted adults."

In contrast, when one of my boys asks me for a cup of milk, I immediately twist it all up and think, "you want me to get you something again? Do you know how tired I am? Do you know how upsetting your noisiness is to me? Look at everything I do for you. Can't you let me just sit down for one minute? Why doesn't anyone ever care about my feelings?"

My therapist told me to step back and examine the actual situation: yes, a three- and five-year-old have a lot of demands, but they are little dependent creatures, not mini-adults. They look to their Mommy to help them and provide for them. Counting on you to help them survive is the only way they know.

Then it hit me: my goal here as a mother is to raise well-adjusted human beings. With that in mind, it would totally behoove me to be there to meet their needs without copping an attitude: to provide milk, food, hugs, a feeling of security and a sense of importance. So they can grow up and look back on their childhoods and remember an environment in which they felt safe and nurtured and validated. Plus, this new attitude might actually be reflected back at me at some point, which would address a host of other problems.

Wow…I have some really heavy stuff to think about. But I'm starting to think I might be ready to be a grown-up now.

8 comments:

  1. I love how honest and open you are. Thank you for feeling you can share this stuff.
    Have to say I had a relatively stable upbringing but the following para totally resonated with how I feel sometimes.
    "when one of my boys asks me for a cup of milk, I immediately think, "you want me to get you something again? Do you know how tired I am? Do you know how upsetting your noisiness is to me? Look at everything I do for you. Can't you let me just sit down for one minute? Why doesn't anyone ever care about my feelings?"

    I'm sharing this on the Sunday Parenting Party Pinterest board

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    1. I'm featuring this post on the Sunday Parenting Party this week. You can grab an "I was featured" button from my button page if you'd like one.

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    2. Thanks for all your support, Monko. :)

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  2. Popping over from the parenting linky and am so glad I did... what a powerful post!

    I can relate to those feelings of not wanting to be the grown up too and it's taken me a while to figure out that it is my job to change my attitude rather than my kids job to just 'grow up and behave better'....

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  3. I left my comment on your Facebook page! Keep up the hard work (as if being a mom wasn't hard enough!).

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  4. One of the biggest adjustments to becoming a mother is learning to accept (and then grow to absolutely adore) the fact that I am on call 24 hours with no let up. It took me two years to come to accept and love that fact. Thanks for such an open and honest post, and thanks for continuing to link up with The Sunday Parenting Party.

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  5. Wow!! I have a 3yo DS. I feel every word of this post.

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  6. Just found your blog...not really sure how I ran into it. But I must say this post touches very close to home. I think most mothers would feel this way...at least some of the time. I always find myself saying, "I am so tired...doesn't she know that I was up all night with the baby?" about my 3yo. Totally irrational on my part!

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